Coping with a crying baby

Coping with a crying baby can be a distressing experience for any parent. There's the anxiety about your baby's health, the emotional pain of seeing them in distress and often the frustration of not being able to console your baby.

Checklist for a crying baby
What is controlled crying?
Soothing a crying baby
When the crying won't stop
Further information

Checklist for a crying baby

Newborn babies cry for all sorts of reasons. Running through this checklist when your baby cries can help you to figure out the problem before you try to soothe them in other ways:

• Hunger: Your baby may simply need some food. Crying may not stop immediately when you are feeding. Allow her to keep feeding and she will gradually be soothed as she fills up. Newborns have very small tummies and need to feed often. Cluster feeding (where a baby has several feedings close together) in the evening is also common, so just because you've recently fed her, doesn't mean she doesn’t want more. Babies also go through growth spurts when they need more milk. Read more in our section on feeding.
• Discomfort: Having a soiled nappy isn’t much fun, neither is having tight fitting clothes. Also, make sure your baby isn’t too hot or too cold.
• Affection: Sometimes your baby just needs you. babies, especially newborns,  have no concept of time or of you just 'popping out' and may need the reassuring closeness of being held (and dads, aunties, friends and neighbours can take turns too, or you may find using a sling helpful).
• Tiredness and over-stimulation: Too much stimulation at once can be overwhelming for a baby and crying may be a way of saying ‘I've had enough’. Try taking your baby somewhere calm to settle them.
• Illness: If you've done everything you can you may wonder if your baby is ill or in pain. Listen to your child, a baby who is ill often cries in a different tone. It may be more urgent or high-pitched. If your baby has difficulty breathing through the crying, or if the crying is accompanied by vomiting, diarrhoea or constipation, call your GP.

Sometimes there is no obvious reason as to why your baby is crying. Some babies just cry a lot more than others. This doesn't make you a bad parent. You can try to find out whether your baby has colic or reflux or needs a massage or sleep but some babies are 'high criers’, and the issue then becomes not so much 'why is my baby crying' but 'how can I cope with my baby's crying?'  It can be helpful to think of the crying as a phase which will pass.

What is controlled crying?

Some parents want to establish a regular routine and may use ‘controlled crying’. This involves putting the baby down to sleep at regular times, whether or not she seems tired or sleepy, and leaving her alone to go off to sleep. This can involve prolonged bouts of crying. The baby may be checked and reassured verbally, but not picked up. The theory is that a baby will soon learn the pattern.

Research shows that while controlled crying may succeed in getting older babies to sleep longer, significant evidence-based concerns have been raised about the long-term effects that this non-responsive approach may have on a baby's development. If you are thinking about letting a very young baby 'cry it out' you may find it helpful to read about it before you decide.

Soothing a crying baby

If you've tried feeding, changing, putting her to bed and she continues to cry, you can try some of these other techniques to soothe her:

• Gently rock your baby in your arms.
• Pick her up and walk or dance around the room with her.
• Stroke her or massage her gently on the back.
• Try holding her in different positions.
• Carry her in a baby sling.
• Rock her in a pram.
• Give her a bath.
• Talk gently, sing or hum.
• Take her outside. Babies often like to feel the air on their faces. Keep her skin covered or use a sunscreen though, if you are out in sunshine or warm weather.
• Try soothing sounds: sometimes music, switching on the vacuum or running water helps, even ‘white noise’ from the radio.
• Offer her a clean finger-tip to suck.
• Ask someone else to take over, sometimes a new pair of hands works wonders.

As you get to know your baby better, you may begin to learn the different cries and what they mean.

When the crying won’t stop

Unfortunately, some babies keep on crying for no apparent reason, even when you’ve tried everything. You may find you spend all your time holding and trying to soothe them. Make sure you get all the help you can, from your partner, relatives, friends, health visitor or GP.

• Talk to other mums and dads. You may find they have some good ideas you’ve not thought of.
• Talk to your partner, relatives or friends about how your baby’s crying is affecting you.
• Try to think positively. You could keep a diary of your baby’s crying and sleeping patterns so you can see progress.
• Step back sometimes and take stock, things may be getting better without you realising it.

If you feel you need to take some ‘time out’ away from your baby, get your partner, a relative or friend to look after her while you recharge your batteries. A relaxing bath, a walk outside alone or cup of tea with a friend may help. If you feel you are reaching the end of your tether, or you are afraid that you may shake or otherwise hurt your baby, get help.

As a new parent, you'll be subjected to a bewildering range of advice from friends, relatives and baby books. Try to trust your own instincts, 'decide not to decide' and take pressure off yourself from conforming to any one ideal of baby care. Parents should always do what feels right for them and their family.

Further information

NCT's helpline offers practical and emotional support in all areas of pregnancy, birth and early parenthood: 0300 330 0700.

You might find attending one of NCT's Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Cry-sis has advice on coping with a crying or sleepless baby. The Cry-sis helpline – 08451 228 669 (08451 ACT NOW) – is open seven days a week from 9am-10pm, and can give you the number of a volunteer contact, who has experienced similar problems in the past and can understand what you are going through.

Home-Start has a parent-helper visiting scheme and a helpline 08000 68 63 68 (Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 9am-12pm)

The national charity family lives has a free 24-hour helpline (0808 800 2222) for information and support on any parenting issue, including crying babies.

For advice about coping with a crying baby, see Babycalming: Simple Solutions for a Happy Baby by Caroline Deacon available from NCT Shop.